Look, I know it is hard to be honest. Real honesty threatens our identity and will make us lose our ‘face’ (which is a mask anyway). It is very, very scary to let go of the nice illusions we like to have of ourselves. Also, our truth is buried in our subconscious. For 32 years I was completely convinced I was cool, confident and did not have many fears. Well, it was a lie, I was just in complete denial of everything I believed I should not be. But being honest beats being a coward and a liar. Just know that if you don’t become very honest with yourself you will remain a coward and a liar forever. You could be a nice and funny coward and liar, you could be successful in business, give to charity and pay your taxes without complaining, you could even be or become my friend. But it won’t change the fact that you are a coward and a liar.
I don’t feel very disappointed anymore when things don’t go as planned but it doesn’t make me feel very happy either. I am not sure if I am getting numb or flexible. Part of me wants to understand why things happen as they happen. We like to say that everything happens for a reason, right? Well, another part of me wants to give up figuring out stuff. Things happen and I don’t know why. I don’t see a pattern. The only pattern that I see is that my mind wants to grasp but can’t.
When I look closer I feel lonely and defeated but strangely enough it comes with a feeling of liberation too. Circumstances and others are not what identifies me. I have less and less to lose. It scares me, it makes me feel naked and unprotected. But when I breathe into the sadness and vulnerability I realize that this is how I connect to basic goodness: nothing to gain, nothing to lose, just living this very moment.
I have decided to try to spend some time meditating in a monastery. The possibilities for trekking are limited and I have been contemplating what to do. The guys that I have been accompanying the last days will move on to other places. I could do the same and leave Ladakh to find nature somewhere else. Or I could stay and give up the wish for trekking and look for a place that facilitates deepening. I will do the latter. Hopefully I am fortunate enough to fall with my nose in the butter and will I meet a beautiful teacher: a warrior that I can write about.
It is a difficult decision. Ladakh I too beautiful to spent just 3 days walking. I wish I could stay here for 6 months. But this is not the case. I choose for the meditation because I feel I have a chance to open up part of my subconscious I haven’t opened before. Also, I feel ready. And I would like to arrive in Hong Kong well prepared as I have the feeling that there will be a lot of work to do.
A friendly and beautiful mind (I wanted to write ‘man’ here but I think this Freudian typo should not be corrected) offered me to guide me towards the main road. For some reason the bus that we should have taken had left half an hour earlier than normal so we just missed it. He invited me to his house. Turned out he was a 68-year-old Tibetan medicine doctor. I asked him for the meaning of life. He said “life simple, help others”.
What’s on my mind? I feel rested and ready for a new trip. Today I will go to Nubra Valley. The things we do are alternatives for the ‘real trekking’ because the mountain passes are not open yet. This is a bit of a bummer but also not because I don’t know what these treks are like so I don’t know what I am missing. I have let go of the idea that I can or must see everything two weeks after the start of my journey.
Yesterday I visited a monastery and an old royal palace. I both place there were huge statues of the future Buddha Maitreya. It was impressive. Also the locations of these buildings are pretty impressive: always on the most impossible top of some mountain. I don’t know why. Maybe because of strategical reasons, maybe because they didn’t want to make it too easy on themselves. But the places are certainly powerful and the views are overwhelming.
I also feel in good hands. The hospital is certainly not the cleanest and most professional I have ever seen. But there is something very soft and gentle about the Ladakhi people and thus the staff. They have a kindness that is quite rare. There are quotes and pictures of the Dalai Lama and the Karmapa everywhere. I took the wrong way to the Tourist Ward (yes, I have the ability to get lost everywhere) and I peeked into the ward where the pregnant women are. The hospital is poor in the sense of equipment and the walls could use new paint. But there is something very peaceful in the way patients, nurses and doctors interact here. I felt no stress and anxiety, just life taking its course. From an economic point of view I was fortunate to have been born in Holland but I feel being born here is karma technically not too bad either.
I am amazed about how different this place is compared to Mumbai or Delhi (although I have spent only 36 hours in Delhi). First of all it is cold of course, about 33 degrees colder than what I was used to. But more interestingly, the people are a lot less submissive. Until now it was hard or even impossible to connect with waiters, rickshaw drivers, maids or street vendors. It almost felt they were a different species; the poorer they were, the more stripped from their humanity and dignity. Many of them had looks in their eyes of wild and abused animals: hollow, exhausted, afraid and powerless. Here it is different. People are friendly, helpful, and polite and try to get you in their shops in a charming way. I wish I were a better photographer because they all do great in pictures.
It is Monday today and it is Queensday in Holland, our national holiday. As my friends will roam the streets and canals of Amsterdam I will be in a train from Mumbai to Delhi, and completely sober.
But I feel very happy! I am happy that my friends and my country are celebrating today and I am happy for myself. I feel a sense of completion. Last Saturday I gave my workshop in Mumbai. The initial idea was to give a 2-day workshop and people would have to pay a fee. Nobody registered and my host (and now agent and manager) Anu was disappointed that she would not experience what my work was about. This made me decide to just throw a last minute 1-day gig for her and her friends, as a present to her. I expected about 10 people. To my surprise 26 people showed up; even a bigger group than in Beirut.
You are visiting the blog of Atalwin Pilon. I am the founder of Basic Goodness. On this blog I write about stuff that I find important, inspiring or otherwise worthwhile sharing. I also write about my own life, my struggles and my occasional insights. It's all about being human. If that speaks to you feel free to hire me as your executive coach, life coach, trainer or brainstorm facilitator. I'll be honored.
I dare you to become more than a coward and a liar