I have a dream

Perhaps the most beautiful thing about the spiritual journey is that we can start with a brand new canvas every day. (Ooh, that sounds good! Wait a minute, the narcissist in me needs to put this on my Basic Goodness Facebook page. It is posted. Now it just a matter of monitoring how many ‘likes’ it will receive.)

It is amazing. I have been postponing this moment for weeks. For some reason I felt reluctant to write, fearing lack of inspiration. And the moment I sit down it feels like coming home.

By just writing the first few sentences I connect with narcissism, fear, pride, self mockery, focus, inspiration, honesty, resistance, amazement and courage. I feel the need to hide, to open up, to share, to impress and to connect. And just sitting down admitting all this allows me to feel joy.

I feel embarrassed to write this because I seem to always come to the same insight. But it feels very good to be ‘here’ again and that’s what this process does. By sitting down and writing down what is alive in me I connect with the present moment. I always need these kinds of run-ups to get me going.

Now it is time to take the plunge. I just took a deep breath. Here we go:

I am going travelling for a year to gather data for the book I want to write. It will be more than just a long holiday. It will be a personal and spiritual quest. I want to test myself, my values and my principles.

There, I said it. Making this dream public frightens me. A couple of months ago I realized that I am called to do this. I didn’t see it coming. It is a very big step for me. I know I must surrender to the calling. But keeping it secret protected me from the possible shame I would feel if I would fail.

I have a long history of dreams, plans and ideas that never got realized. As I also describe on the ‘about Atalwin’ page I was described as visionary when I graduated from university. My thinking was ‘outside of the box’ and creative and I combined that with what I felt was logical reasoning. Economical and cultural tendencies were like a ball thrown in a certain direction to me. Just by looking at the ball fly you can more or less predict where it will land.  Take into account the speed, size and weight of the ball and the strength, fitness and alertness of those who should catch it and you can more or less predict what will happen next. When applied to creative and innovative thinking it was considered a talent.

What I know now is that a talent is also highly motivated by fear. I had to think outside the box because being inside the box terrified me. I had to dream to create the possibility of escape.

We become good at things because we fear and reject the opposite with a vengeance. Many rich people fear and reject poverty. Succesful people fear and reject failure. Fit people fear and reject weakness. Creative people fear and reject conventions. And so on and so on.

But I used to deny all my fears. I truly was convinced I didn’t have many (or any at all). Denial causes hidden self-sabotaging mechanisms. For example my subconscious fear of failure caused perfectionism, my subconscious fear of inferiority caused superior behavior. A need for greatness caused great ideas but they would be killed by perfectionism. At some point I realized my idea was not ‘good enough’. I would feel humiliated but I would mask the humiliation and the cycle would start all over again with a new idea. I wasn’t aware of my fear of expectations (that I created with my superior attitude). Basically – new insight! – I was preventing myself from living a bigger lie than I already was living.

Now I want to escape the lie. I want to live the truth. My truth. I am painfully aware of all my fears and self-sabotaging mechanisms these days. I want to face them and go beyond them. When I have an instinctive feeling about something I know that this is true. I also know that sooner or later my mind will start constructing obstacles, and if not my mind other people will.

Today I am finding the courage to take the first step to leave my home and country. I am finding the strength to overcome my tendency to discourage myself and to make this dream come true. I will start writing more and more about my plans and thus materializing them. Stay tuned, I will need your help too.

Comments

  1. Cindy says

    Wow!!!! *sigh* Good for you& Good luck!

    I am currently planning an “only” 5,5 week journey and i’m freakin’out slightly.
    I have been given an amazing gift last december, an all paid holiday of my choosing, no restriction, no limitations, no no money excuses….
    So just decide where i would go and book the flight and accomodation, easy right?
    No such thing, it took me till last week to book my flight!
    Why? I threw just about every obstacle i could find in front of my own feet; fear, indecisiveness, loneliness, unwillingness to ask anything for myself, doubt, lack of self-confidence and the incredibly long and unecessary “Must Do Before List”…
    While writing this i wondered what changed since then and last week when i booked my flight…..
    What comes up first is True Compassion, to me true compassion is being able to be truly compassionate with oneself, myself.
    So by being gratefulto be me and allowing myself to receive and seize this amazing oppurtunity, the same above mentioned obstacles shifted and became guidelines for my 5,5 week journey.
    So on december the first i will be flying east instead of west, travelling on my own to an unfamiliar country where in know absolutely nobody……………..yet;-) Brrrrrrrrr……exciting!!!!

    Thank your for this blog!

    I enjoyed the article below maybe you will too!
    http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/09/six-mindful-reasons-to-travel-solo–elizabeth-aspen/

    Cindy

  2. Justyna says

    I think you are escaping the lie already:) It’s a journey, right? I understand you though… I often dream of escaping the lie fully… travelling is great cos it throws you out of your comfort zone 🙂 I learned a lot about myself when I went to India 🙂 I think it’s a great idea! Good luck! Love it! x J.

  3. Debbie says

    This is an amazing post, and you are embarking on an amazing journey. Fear is so powerful and insidious a force, both within and around us, mainly because it is invisible, inaudible, and virtually inescapable. The effort it takes to find, expose, face, and embrace those fears seems to be more than most of us can handle. I applaud you for taking on this journey, and am inspired to take a closer look at my own hidden fears. Thank you.

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