Perhaps the most beautiful thing about the spiritual journey is that we can start with a brand new canvas every day. (Ooh, that sounds good! Wait a minute, the narcissist in me needs to put this on my Basic Goodness Facebook page. It is posted. Now it just a matter of monitoring how many ‘likes’ it will receive.)
It is amazing. I have been postponing this moment for weeks. For some reason I felt reluctant to write, fearing lack of inspiration. And the moment I sit down it feels like coming home.
By just writing the first few sentences I connect with narcissism, fear, pride, self mockery, focus, inspiration, honesty, resistance, amazement and courage. I feel the need to hide, to open up, to share, to impress and to connect. And just sitting down admitting all this allows me to feel joy.
I feel embarrassed to write this because I seem to always come to the same insight. But it feels very good to be ‘here’ again and that’s what this process does. By sitting down and writing down what is alive in me I connect with the present moment. I always need these kinds of run-ups to get me going.
Now it is time to take the plunge. I just took a deep breath. Here we go:
I am going travelling for a year to gather data for the book I want to write. It will be more than just a long holiday. It will be a personal and spiritual quest. I want to test myself, my values and my principles.
There, I said it. Making this dream public frightens me. A couple of months ago I realized that I am called to do this. I didn’t see it coming. It is a very big step for me. I know I must surrender to the calling. But keeping it secret protected me from the possible shame I would feel if I would fail.
I have a long history of dreams, plans and ideas that never got realized. As I also describe on the ‘about Atalwin’ page I was described as visionary when I graduated from university. My thinking was ‘outside of the box’ and creative and I combined that with what I felt was logical reasoning. Economical and cultural tendencies were like a ball thrown in a certain direction to me. Just by looking at the ball fly you can more or less predict where it will land. Take into account the speed, size and weight of the ball and the strength, fitness and alertness of those who should catch it and you can more or less predict what will happen next. When applied to creative and innovative thinking it was considered a talent.
What I know now is that a talent is also highly motivated by fear. I had to think outside the box because being inside the box terrified me. I had to dream to create the possibility of escape.
We become good at things because we fear and reject the opposite with a vengeance. Many rich people fear and reject poverty. Succesful people fear and reject failure. Fit people fear and reject weakness. Creative people fear and reject conventions. And so on and so on.
But I used to deny all my fears. I truly was convinced I didn’t have many (or any at all). Denial causes hidden self-sabotaging mechanisms. For example my subconscious fear of failure caused perfectionism, my subconscious fear of inferiority caused superior behavior. A need for greatness caused great ideas but they would be killed by perfectionism. At some point I realized my idea was not ‘good enough’. I would feel humiliated but I would mask the humiliation and the cycle would start all over again with a new idea. I wasn’t aware of my fear of expectations (that I created with my superior attitude). Basically – new insight! – I was preventing myself from living a bigger lie than I already was living.
Now I want to escape the lie. I want to live the truth. My truth. I am painfully aware of all my fears and self-sabotaging mechanisms these days. I want to face them and go beyond them. When I have an instinctive feeling about something I know that this is true. I also know that sooner or later my mind will start constructing obstacles, and if not my mind other people will.
Today I am finding the courage to take the first step to leave my home and country. I am finding the strength to overcome my tendency to discourage myself and to make this dream come true. I will start writing more and more about my plans and thus materializing them. Stay tuned, I will need your help too.