Today I will use my blog just for myself. I will use it as private therapy. Today I am not offering something, and I’m not coming from some kind of beautiful heart space. I feel frustrated and I don’t know why. I’m quite afraid for what might come up, the last time I felt like this and started writing was in Bali at my brothers place. It led to a huge emotional breaktrough but I also spend the day sobbing. And I don’t have time to sob because I’m leading Peace Camp in an hour and a half. I just want to have the tension from my chest and can’t think of anything else than write about it.
So let’s see, what am I frustrated about? I’m frustrated about having to struggle always, I’m frustrated about being limited by money, I’m frustrated about being dependant on other people, I’m frustrated about time passing by quickly, I’m frustrated about the complexities of love and relationships, I’m frustrated about my forever resurfacing shortcomings, I’m frustrated by the rules of society, I’m frustrated by other people’s fear of confontation, I’m frustrated by rejection and my fear of rejection. Is there still more? No, now I feel fear. I fear not to be loved, not to be heard, not to be appreciated, I fear failure, I fear choosing the wrong route, making the wrong decisions, I fear the embarrasment i will feel when I find out I made the wrong decisions and it’s too late. I fear wasting my life, I fear not living up to my potential, I fear I have nothing to offer, that nobody cares about me, I fear to stay alone and die lonely.
Now what do I need? I need LOVE! Ha, I said it! I need appreciation, I need good luck, I need the Universe to support me, I need my friends to support me, I need people who really see and understand what I’m doing, or trying to do with my life. I need my intentions reflected back at me, I need people to be loyal, to trust me, to keep their promises and to give me a chance, both professionally and romantically. I need a break through, I need momentum, I need courage, I need discipline. I need new clients, preferably all true raw diamonds. I need satisfaction. I need a sense of fulfillment.
I don’t think I’ve ever written a post faster than this one. And you now what? I’m not going to end it with some sort of lesson I learned, I won’t make an effort to tie the loose ends together. This post is just for me. No free wisdom today, the only dish served here was my frustration, my fears and my needs. I feel better now, thank you. Peace Camp will start in less than an hour and I actually look forward to it. I’m on my way, dear participants!