Surrender

Yesterday we went hiking around this little island of Lebongan. A beautiful experience. When we started our walk we were just chatting along about this and that.

And then a miracle happened. Not during our walk but just now, in the minutes between the first three sentences and this one. I feel deep gratitude flowing through me, together with the singing of the birds.

I promised to respect her privacy, so I will call her M. I think she comes quite often to Lebongan because she is respected by both the local community and the owners of the resorts. She helped us finding the coolest villas and got us great discounts. She comes here to find some peace and quiet because her professional life high up the corporate ladder is extremely demanding.

I don’t know why she and her friends were so nice to us, inviting us for dinners and drinks all the time. But after a talk about about our mutual jobs one night I thought it would be a nice gesture to offer her a Basic Goodness session (is that what they are called?).

A session with me is nothing more than two people meeting. I ask questions, I listen and follow my intuition to where it tells me to go. The idea is to just let our truth unfold, very much like how I write these posts. There is no plan and not a real goal other then to spend time together. When we speak and listen from the heart we give unconsciously the other permission to do the same. This way a container is created, a safe place for everybody.

What never seizes to amaze me is how new and liberating this apporach can be for somebody who is not used to it and not expecting it. We can spend our whole life living with the idea that we formulate our sentences in our heads, picking and choosing our words in a way so that they will fit our self image, views and perspectives. That is not true, the head is the place where we filter and color our feelings into something less authentic.

M. is a lady who has worked hard to be very succesful. What came up pretty fast was that this had cost her a lot. Spending a long time in a demanding, stressful, agressive ego-driven environment had caused her heart to close with all the sad consequences that come with that. She believed she possibly was a lost cause but when I asked her heart, the heart answered it needed love and trust to heal and open. The relief was almost tangible.

This morning I recieved a very sweet email from her, where she expressed her gratitude for our conversation and apologized for the fact she didn’t have the courage to give me the hug she wanted to give me.

Just a couple of moments ago she walked up my balcony and gave me a long and warm hug. She shared with me that she went to a spa this morning where she had a massage. During this massage she had started crying. She hadn’t cried in over a year. Now she came over to thank me. She also told me she that it felt scary and dislodging but also real and right. Her eyes were softer and her breathing relaxed and deep. She felt that this was only the beginning. But she told me she knew what to do: to surrender.

She just made my day. I love these little miracles. Thank you.

Comments

  1. Mam says

    Hey lieverd,
    Heb net even een uur achterstallig blog zitten lezen. Wat schrijf je toch een mooie dingen; af en toe zit ik met tranen in m’n ogen, af en toe doet mijn hart pijn … en ik besef steeds beter dat je naast m’n zoon ook mijn meest bijzondere leraar bent.
    En die hond die niet kan fietsen vond ik geweldig. Zag meteen Rav met een verongelijkt gezicht bij de omgevallen fiets staan. Lekker om ook even te kunnen grinniken.
    Love you!

  2. A Reader says

    Dear Atalwin,

    During the week I mostly find a moment to read your blog postings. I never responded directly. It’s not that I’m afraid; in my case I just digest your words and compare it with my situation or thoughts about a certain subject.

    In this posting I saw you encouraging people to react or give feedback. I immediately realized the necessity of response; for you, for me. From our hearts to find the right directions in life and from all the different voices we have within ourselves to be able to recognize them as such. So I decided to share with you a part of my story.

    In a way I haven’t follow my heart lately. Like your situation, my girlfriend and me decided to break up for a while to give some space to steps we had to make ourselves. Personal steps, that seems to be blocking the space of the other one. Part of the blocks I build for my girlfriend, was the tendency to help her. I truly wanted to help her to avoid eg. a stress situation at work, a painful moment or simply be there for her in times she needed it. She gracefully accepted the love fueled help and the feedback.
    We didn’t saw it coming, but at one point she became dependent on me in her decisions, her own way of dealing with stressful work situations or other emotions related issues. And simultaneously the options for me to share my concerns, doubts and insecurities with her inevitably shrank. That made me insecure as well. Sometimes even alone within a relationship with a woman I genuinely loved.

    Obviously this says something about me. And her. Although it was always truly out of authentic love, together with some other unfinished past emotions, we both saw that going forward on the same foot, wouldn’t bring us the potential of the love felt for each other.

    We decided to break up and give each other space to break the misbalance. Find our inner strength. To meet again.

    I missed her every minute of the day. But I stayed strong at moments we talked in tears and she telling what a difficult she went through. Despite my natural reaction of helping, I resist the challenge, because I knew from my heart that it would put us in the same position we where before. Nevertheless, my feelings grew even stronger. I felt in my heart that going through this, after the things we went through before, this was the right way. Every time we had contact, I spoke from my heart by saying I love her, and also by holding on to this space we both needed. I truly felt that I couldn’t be more committed to her than walking this road.

    My ex girlfriend has now another boyfriend. She felt in love with someone else. I really enjoy seeing her shine again. She is more secure, more self aware, more open then before. My love for her is my love for her. Not depended whether she’s committed or with me. I wish her being in love, because I love her. I could have said her more often that I really want her back after this break, I could have said her that all thing would work out great, I could have ignored the strong feeling in my heart to go this path but I didn’t. And that’s okay. I love her; even she’s with another man.

    You could say I surrender to my heart. By sharing the things I know with her at moments she had a difficult emotional time. I have the same with other friends I know that one part of it is because it gives me a good and worthy feeling, but it always is from the heart. I surrender to my heart by breaking up with her. I surrender to my heart by staying committed, even while we’re not together.

    Although I’m okay with the current situation, I just wonder what would have happened if I didn’t break up with her in the first time. Or didn’t kept the necessary distance just after the break.

    Thanks for your inspiration Atalwin. Although I didn’t comment on your blog postings till now, most of the times it started an inner dialogue. And that itself is a conversation I treasure.

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