Confusion

Bagdad, Iraq.

What do I want to write about? What is present for me?

I just came from my meditation cushion. Outside the wind is howling over Bagdad, making the sky white. Inside I feel numb, defeated, forgiving and consoling. I went through a complete cycle this morning: woke up, felt ok, got out of bed, became a zombie, zombied to breakfast, went back to my room, cried, showered, wanted to cry more but worked out in my room instead, had many thoughts, let them go, meditated, opened up, felt endless love and compassion, felt trust and had a question. Aha, that is my topic of today.

I brought two books with me. The first is Shambala – The Sacred Path of the Warrior by Chogyam Trungpa and the second is The Hero With The Thousand Faces by Joseph Campbell. Trungpa’s book teaches that by discovering basic goodness in everyday life the warrior learns to radiate that goodness into the world for the peace and sanity of others. Campbell discovered that under all myths and legends of the all the cultures in the world there is a fixed pattern and they all give the same keys to the riddle of life.

For me there is nothing conceptual or metaphorical about this Universal journey; we are here on this planet to live our life in the best, most honest, most complete way. We owe this to life, Creation or God, Yashem, Allah, whatever you want to call it. Once we become honest with ourselves we find huge amounts of fear (just ask yourself “what am I afraid of?” and answer it honestly 25 times in a row) and we find that these fears are ruling our world, separating us from ourselves and others. Our path is to overcome them, to liberate ourselves and to share our liberation with others.

The fact that is has been like this for as long as we as mankind can remember suggests that is something bigger than us. Actually, we only have to look around to realize that there are innumerable things bigger than us. The idea that we can understand or grasp all of it is ridiculous. We are infinitely small creatures with an extremely limited amount of time on Earth. We are part of something mysterious and beautiful. Let’s be totally appreciative of what life is offering us. And let’s give as much back as we can. This is how I feel it.

When the hero sets out on his journey to find the Holy Grail (the secret of life) he has to face many obstacles. Overcoming these obstacles ripen and wizen him. This story is as old as humanity. I chose to go on a similar journey with a similar goal. Now I am in Iraq and I get dumped out of the blue. In an email of four weeks back she told me she wanted to deepen our relationship, now she wants to cut all ties without an explanation. It almost sounds like the perfect betrayal, perfectly timed and following the universal script perfectly. But she must have had her own good reasons and most likely wasn’t consciously waiting to strike at the ‘right’ moment, the moment that was most beneficial to the story of the “Hero’s Journey”. But she did. How is this possible?

I wonder how much free choice we actually have. So many people that I meet tell me I showed up at ‘exactly the right moment’ in their life. I find it flattering but hard to believe. Now I have to fight with my worst demons (rejection, abandonment) in an impossible place: symbolically ‘exactly the right moment’ and ‘exactly the right place’. Are we really just part of a game? Are we being moved around like pawns? Is there meaning behind this, or a plan? And is the idea to become as flexible as possible, and to just experience everything that is presented to us? I mean if I resist I suffer (more) so I might as well surrender. Should I just let existence unfold and be present?

Wow.. I am confused.

After posting this I will meet new people. I wonder what experience is ahead of us. Will it be exactly the right person again, on exactly the right moment? I guess so..

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Comments

  1. Pausha says

    What if we are not infinitely small, but huge, boundless, limitless? What if it’s our bodies that die quickly, but not what we are? What if the creator, the God, the Buddha, is you?

    What if no one is organizing this experience for you, what if you are organizing it for yourself, that’s why it’s so perfectly timed?

    Who are you, Atalwin? Aren’t you the Buddha?

  2. Michael says

    So many answers from so many different theologies. Though I was raised Christian (catholic actually), I do feel at times that I am a old soul. Recycled to continually improve my spirit, and to discover answers to new areas, and old questions.

    I understand what you mean about free choice. I have had two “huge” life events that seemed to be the universe sending me a wake up call, and sending me down a different path.

    All I can tell you is that my life improved exponentially after them, even though going through them were probably the most confusing, and painful (once physically, once emotionally)experiences I could have imagined.

    I came away from them wizened. I discovered books that allowed me to get in touch with my heart, and more committed to finding my true purpose.

    I have absolutely no doubt that this happened to you at this time for a reason. I understand it is unbelievably painful, and I empathize for you. I have complete faith though that this is sending you down a new road you were not previously aware of, and one that will make you a more enlightened, empathetic, and in tune person. I think the universe was just sending you your wake up call.

  3. Adinah says

    “For me there is nothing conceptual or metaphorical about this Universal journey; we are here on this planet to live our life in the best, most honest, most complete way. We owe this to life, Creation or God, Yashem, Allah, whatever you want to call it…… Actually, we only have to look around to realize that there are innumerable things bigger than us. The idea that we can understand or grasp all of it is ridiculous. We are infinitely small creatures with an extremely limited amount of time on Earth. We are part of something mysterious and beautiful. Let’s be totally appreciative of what life is offering us. And let’s give as much back as we can.” You are such a beautiful soul Atalwin. Stay strong in what the journey has already taught you….humbled, open, stronger, clearer, giving fully yourself in the moment…And remember the “Script Writer” is impeccable in timing. And it is experienced more and more clearly as the noble warrior becomes.

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