Kicking in the doors of the heart

Bhagsu, India.

It took me a while to find the stereotypical India that everybody falls in love with. There is some sadness around that but it is ok too. At least I know it exists and I will be able to find it back. And it came with a nice lesson: just look a little bit further. We arrived in Dharamsala 2 weeks ago and the traffic drove me crazy after a while; turns out that you can find the peaceful, idyllic, green and spiritual Upper Dharamkot and Upper Bhagsu just 2-3 kilometers further. You could also formulate the lesson as: don’t stay where there are too many Indian tourists. They don’t like to walk.

I had two mind-blowing experiences: the conclusion of the workshop and a meditation session with a fellow participant.

To not  spoil the surprise for future participants and won’t say too much about the finale of the workshop. But I can say that the experience was overwhelming, humbling and healing. There was so much unconditional love, sensuality and radiant beauty, it was too much to take in. I can only speak from a male perspective but I have heard from the women they were happy to see us too.

When I say it was too much to take in, I mean it was too much too take in for the ego. The ego has a limit. When we receive a lot of love there comes a point where disbelief enters. We are used to a limited amount of conditional love. We start thinking that it can’t be true or that it can’t be real. In my case feelings like ‘I don’t deserve this’ and ‘this is not really for me, it is for the other men, not for me’. The ego is an inferiority complex and I could see its battle to hold on to these feelings and beliefs. But it had no chance against 14 Goddesses; it had to surrender. I feel the hot tears running over my face and realize that this is what every man and woman is subconsciously looking for: to feel fully and completely accepted and loved and to be empowered to embrace himself or herself in every aspect, including the Divine Feminine or Masculine. And it might be still hard for me to believe that I am Shiva, I am 100% completely convinced that Shakti was in every woman in that temple.

The second experience was in a one on one meditation with a classmate. She invited me to practice with her because she knew I had a serious meditation practice. The idea was to sit opposite each other, fixating on the eyes of the other for 30 minutes. I had never done such practice before so I was curious. I had heard of people who started to see faces of previous lives or had experiences of dissolving.

My experience was not like that. I just saw her face and it didn’t change. It was hard for me to keep my eyes open as I am used to meditate with my eyes closed. I felt frustration and anger and got concerned: maybe I was ruining her meditation with my ‘bad vibes’. After 30 minutes the bell rang (on my iPhone because there is an app for that, you know) and I relaxed: at least the period was over. As I am scanning a bit through my body to see if I could find an answer for my mood I start feeling some sort of beam coming from my heart chakra. It feels weird and new but I let it happen. I get the impression that the energy that comes from me is trying to kick in some door in my partner’s heart. I feel all the things that I would feel if it would be a physical door that I would be kicking in: anger, strength, determination, focus, and perseverance. Then the door gives in and I feel release. My heart opens up and relaxes and I can see that something shifted in my partner. The experience continues and it feels as if I am cleaning out a room: as if I am pulling out snakes of attachments (I really don’t know how to say it differently).

I am baffled: did I just heal somebody? Did this really happen? She reports a similar release. Only important difference: she had a beautiful experience where I felt I was in a boxing match. I felt good though. I felt like I won, like the good guys won.  And it felt as if it was necessary.

Afterwards I felt pumped up and aggressive for a while like I had really been in a fistfight. And I felt sad: is it my destiny to go to tough places and fight battles even when other people are experiencing beautiful things? Is this what my Warrior path is turning into? Should I get used to this and accept that this is what I chose to live? I realized I felt sorry for myself and scared of what else will come.

I walked around a bit, had a beautiful meditation with another classmate (with whom I am in the picture below), saw beautiful scenery and had a nice homemade lunch at some Indian mama’s place. I went to my room to write a bit. When I started this post I felt the happiness flowing over me. I don’t understand what is happening but I don’t have much choice other than trust it.

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  1. Pausha Foley says

    Oh beautiful! My wild guess – of course you healed her and, of course, when you become more present in this place you will be able to choose whether and how you want to do it. Who says, after all, that a warrior can not be loving and gentle when faced with a battle?

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