Messages from the subconscious

Mumbai, India.

It is another hot morning in Mumbai. I have stuck around my CouchSurfing host because she wants me to meet her spiritual group that comes together every Thursday. If I understand correctly there is a guy that channels messages. Supposedly the guy is good and integer. I am curious. I am not very much into channeling and stuff but I like meeting nice people.

I feel happy, adventurous but also lazy and a bit guilty. On the one hand I feel I should hunt for warriors in a more constructive manner, on the other hand I feel I need some space, quiet and a healthier environment. Yesterday, I spent my first hours on a quiet beach since a long time. I felt a peace come over me that gave me new confidence. Yesterday, I felt disillusioned because I found out that the place where I wanted to go is now a dead place, because of the season (too hot now) and because it’s popularity is declining. I wanted to go to Osho’s ashram and deal with the things I feel I need to deal with. I had heard that they offer a million types of meditations, therapies and healing practises. My idea was to turn myself inside out and go to the core of my trauma around intimacy, abandonment and rejection. I had it all figured out. If I wouldn’t come out as a Tantric Master after 10-14 days (never exclude miracles) I would certainly have made the first steps on that path. Having that plan crossed felt like a blow in my stomach. But when I sat down on the beach I realized that I can do it myself. I don’t need an ashram, I can create my own space for healing. It was exactly the same thought that brought me to the meditation cushion in 2003: “I will do it myself. I will end my suffering for once and for all and I will not stop searching anymore until I have answers”

I just remembered that the last time I was on a quiet beach was in Colombia 2009 in Colombia. I went for a walk while my buddy was kitesurfing, exploring the rawness of that place. I remember writing a message in the sand and I just realized now that yesterday I unconsciously scribbled the same message in the sand.

This post is taking a powerful turn.

The moment in 2003 was a desperate moment. It was also a turning point in my life. Later I realized I made a vow in that moment and it made me understand the power of vows. I made the decision with all my heart, body and mind. I was fed up with my crap. To change something you have to really, really want it, is what I learned. The moment in 2009 was a very wholehearted moment too, where I felt like a love-struck teenager unable to hold back the love I was feeling. I just had to do something silly and romantic. I had no choice.

These moments were two sides of the same coin. Now these moments come together unexpectedly by writing this post. What is the message? When I check in with myself with this question the first thing that comes up is that I feel I should go. The second thing that comes up is that it is ok to give myself some space and it makes sense after cities like tensed, torn and/or crowded and polluted cities Baghdad, Beirut and Mumbai. The third thing that comes up is that I will find the peace inside.

Hmm.. I bit vague, I must say. I will be with it and we will see what happens.

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