Another morning in the zendo

Villers le Lac, Saut du Doubs, France.

Being on a zen retreat is weird. It is not that it feels like you become unstable but it feels like being stirred up. That is how I feel. Did I feel so quiet last night and bloodthirstily angry yesterday afternoon, this morning I feel a lump of sadness that I cannot really explain. Or better: that I can’t explain at all.

I woke up this morning from something very close to a nightmare. I was in a situation were I felt very betrayed and disheartened by somebody dear to me and the people who seemed to be kind to me and wanted to help me ‘get over it’ were people who betrayed me in the past. To be sad in the proximity of people who hurt me before felt unsafe and to find out that they tried to help me was confusing. I wanted to believe they had good intentions but I knew I should be careful.

What comes up now is that I cannot trust everybody. But I have no idea if this is an insight or just a feeling that comes from writing down the dream in combination with the sadness I felt when I started typing.

Maybe it is that I don’t have the courage to trust everybody and everything, maybe there is a layer of vulnerability that I am afraid of. Maybe I am afraid of getting hurt in some way.

The feeling of some sad thing lurking around the corner is kind of unsettling. I know our subconscious can hide painful, sad and confrontational stuff from us and I know it is best if it comes out, if it reveals itself. But these things have a life and a timing of their own. They can’t be forced from their hiding places. So right now I only know there is something there but I have no idea what it is.

Strangely enough just writing these few words make me feel better. As if the ‘something’ received a bit of attention and can relax now.

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