Kicking in the doors of the heart

Shiva & Shakti1

The experience was overwhelming, humbling and healing. There was so much unconditional love, sensuality and radiant beauty, it was too much to take in. I can only speak from a male perspective but I have heard from the women they were happy to see us too.

When I say it was too much to take in, I mean it was too much too take in for the ego. The ego has a limit. When we receive a lot of love there comes a point where disbelief enters. We are used to a limited amount of conditional love. We start thinking that it can’t be true or that it can’t be real. In my case feelings like ‘I don’t deserve this’ and ‘this is not really for me, it is for the other men, not for me’. The ego is an inferiority complex and I could see its battle to hold on to these feelings and beliefs. But it had no chance against 14 Goddesses; it had to surrender.

I dare you to become more than a coward and a liar

Me being angry

Look, I know it is hard to be honest. Real honesty threatens our identity and will make us lose our ‘face’ (which is a mask anyway). It is very, very scary to let go of the nice illusions we like to have of ourselves. Also, our truth is buried in our subconscious. For 32 years I was completely convinced I was cool, confident and did not have many fears. Well, it was a lie, I was just in complete denial of everything I believed I should not be. But being honest beats being a coward and a liar. Just know that if you don’t become very honest with yourself you will remain a coward and a liar forever. You could be a nice and funny coward and liar, you could be successful in business, give to charity and pay your taxes without complaining, you could even be or become my friend. But it won’t change the fact that you are a coward and a liar.

Be someone who makes you happy

Be someone who makes you happy

I just meditated for 45 minutes and saw another layer. Not only do I have a deep-rooted feeling of being not good enough, I also have a conviction that ‘it won’t work out for me anyway’. Both are connected to a need for love, acceptance and approval. Deep down I feel unfit to be loved. Making a ‘wrong’ intuitive decision like buying train tickets without looking on maps, triggers a feeling of failure, which in my mind confirms the loss of my relationship. I have a voice saying ‘you see, this is why women leave you, boy: it won’t work out anyway’. What happened, and this is rare for me, was that I could see the little boy in my meditation and I could tell him he was ok.

There is not much we can do about negative thoughts than observe them over and over again. Meditation helps to not take them too personal. We are not our thoughts. And by just observing the experience, the experience changes. This will ultimately clear things up. Happiness is a by-product of the clarity.

My suffering is better than your suffering

Atalwin & Izzy

Note to self: don’t get caught up in your own story. Don’t exaggerate the importance of your doing, not even when it feels ‘right’. Actually, be very aware when you start feeling ‘right’. And don’t fall into the trap of comparing. Don’t think you are actually comparing your experience to the other’s experience, you are not. When you compare you are merely measuring your own judgment to your own experience. By rejecting what you consider futile, you are only projecting your arrogant and superior version of life on the other. Remember how crappy it felt at times when your own suffering was discarded for being futile (and remember how much this is now part of your story). Projecting your expectations is harmful, it is as if you create laws against being honest and truthful in your Universe. If your laws are obeyed you create ungenuineness, inside and outside of yourself. The pain you felt when you received the email is the pain you are still carrying inside. Don’t blame others for making you aware. Be thankful.

Is giving up on somebody the essence of human cowardice?

Karremans hands Srbenica over to Mladic without a fight

I am angry and I have an hour only. Let’s see if I can vent my anger with some speedblogging. What am I angry about? Today I met a young girl, around 20. We got into a conversation and I explained a little bit about what I do for a living. Helping people finding their path, executive coaching, life coaching, whatever you want to call it. Then she tells me that she is a lost case. She has been given up by her psychiatrist. (Pause here…). Now continue reading…