Last night in Bali

Lembongan sunset

I was on a secret coaching mission, working with a lady who owns a villa here. She left today so now I am all alone in her spacious ocean view condo. In my eyes the house is big but I realize my brother’s house was bigger. I think I still have my Dutch sense of scale, I guess. Everything abroad seems big to me (except the people).

I kind of liked the format we had: 4 days of intensive work. Normally I see a client once a week for a while or give a workshop that takes 1 or 2 days. I can’t really see what happens with my people after a session. But by living in the same house for a short but not too short period of time I could keep her focused and she had the opportunity to ask a million questions. We could create a beautiful mix of coaching, meditation and profound conversations over meals.

Katiza Satya Ivulic: Warrior.

Satya Katiza

When you meet Satya for the first time you might get the impression that she is fragile. This impression won’t last long. Her frame might not be very big; her presence is undeniable. By looking into her clear brown eyes you might feel that you are drowning but you are not. You will notice that she is actually holding you and that you are completely safe. It is a very rare feeling

Satya was born in 1960 under the name of Katiza Ivulic. She grew up in a warm family in Chile. As long as she remembers she felt more than others and was deeply in touch with nature. If her mother would ask the little girl to pick a flower to use for decoration she would walk into the garden to find the flower. Once she would stand before the flower with the scissors in her little hand she realized she couldn’t do it. It was just impossible for her to hurt the flower.

The last sunset of Pieter Pilon

Ceremonial burning of our letters to our father

Satya guided us through a meditation. She asked us to localize the place where we feel our father in our bodies and asked us to connect with the feelings that came up. My brother became emotional. Satya started chanting. Sahaj made a little fire and burned our letters. Then we put seeds in the fire, symbolizing a new beginning for our father’s soul. My brother brought weed seeds. I thought this was a good idea: to provide our father with the kindness and forgivingness of marihuana. We extinguished the fire with water from a special coconut that we drank from first and we put a bit of milk on the fire. This way the seeds could grow and his soon to be unborn baby soul would have some milk. The ashes were gathered by Sahaj and put in the coconut. My brother and I walked to the sea in front of the temple and after reciting a mantra he threw the offerings in the ocean and I threw the coconut with the ashes in the waves.
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No ceremony in Lombok

Posing with the banjar posse

If we don’t fully accept and embrace where we come from we can never fully accept and embrace who we are. Even if our parents were less then perfect we have to learn to fully accept them. It is not so easy. When we start our path we find out pretty soon that most of our destructive beliefs and patterns are inherited from and installed by our parents. But when we don’t forgive we can’t heal. But we also can’t fake forgiveness; if we pretend to forgive by denying that we feel resentment we are violating ourselves. This makes us miss the point. Forgiving is not burying our pain in an anonymous grave and pretending it never happened. We can only forgive when we truly and completely acknowledge the damage done and then see that the perpetrator really could not have done any better (and would have done better if he could). Then we can drop the load. Damaged people cause damage, healed people heal people. By getting rid of our load we can stop repeating the cycle.

Back on track

Praying on morning of Galungan

Ha! I am back again. I don’t know for whom it is harder to believe, for you as the reader or for myself. I don’t now if it is entertaining to see somebody bounce back and forth but for me it was not funny. Let’s hope I recognize it sooner when the storm comes next time. Ideally I become identified with the depths of the ocean instead of being toyed around by the waves.

One of the things that helped me shift was talking to Satya. She embodies what I am still learning: unshakable trust. As I learned from her last week: everything is perfect and everything happens exactly as it should happen. She is not afraid of losing her house or her business or even her life. There is complete flexibility and no attachments. In her world it is truly all good. Today I could see and feel some of those things again.

Less alone then we think

Rishi and Atalwin

Internally I had a few terrible days but superficially they were amazing. We went to visit the Maha Rishi who was assisted by the Gusti and she had a message for me. Dewa the Balinese healer paid us a surprise visit this morning and did a session with me. All these people have special powers, I personally witnessed a couple of otherworldly things. I had a couple of beautiful conversations with Satya, also a pretty magnificent human being. Regardless, I was being eaten alive inside. I felt being dragged from disappointment to disappointment. And then, after the chi qong class of Sahaj (that obviously sucked in my eyes but was received annoyingly positive by my fellow students) I feel that the veil is being lifted. It is almost embarrassing; when I was asked to share my experience at the end of the class I was so dark and negative and a couple of minutes later I can almost physically see the darkness dissolve. Where did it go?

A spiritual path sometimes sucks

Dewa healing Anita and Atalwin

This path is making me desperate. I have a confession to make: every morning I have to fight myself into the day. I always wake up with a lump in my stomach and I always have to make an effort to turn it around. The vast majority of the days I manage to make my day into a good day but it is never without effort. Another confession: the spiritual path also comes with uncomfortable and weird symptoms. Right now there are two chakras hurting, one of them the root chakra. It feels literally as if I have been kicked in the balls. The other one feels as having been hit in the stomach. Nice huh?

Living a perfect life

Kura Kura Buddha

After ‘waking up’ in 2004 the whole chain of cause and effect that lead to the creation of my particular ego and finally the deconstruction of it became instantly clear to me. One way to describe that event was that my ego structure was put under an extreme amount of stress and finally received a final blow that made the structure collapse. It had to endure a mixture of extreme anger, humiliation and rejection that lead to ultimate despair and finally a surrender. Seconds after my ego collapsed I realized it was the greatest blessing a human being can receive. An enormous truth that was hidden in my subconscious was revealed to me. It made me realize that all the blows I had received in my life were necessary to bring me to the breaking point.

The Body Building


Another insight is that I always believed that taking care of my body, mind and spirit was enough to create inner harmony. So if I train all of these things, I will get there. For the body I need to develop speed, strength, flexibility, endurance etc. The spirit I train by doing meditation. I never realized that the body needs to be trained in a very specific way to allow the spirit to unfold. In yoga training the body is the spiritual path. Satya explains me how our body is a building and how all the different ‘floors’ connect to the foundation.

A very special place

Satya & Sahaj

My first gross impression is that working with these teachers is a complete different story from any other yoga class that I have done. It is working with energy, chakra’s, singing bowls, postures and meditation. Most importantly: I am exposed to their presence and there is something going on in their energy fields. It was not (yet) demanding on my body but at the end of the morning session with Sahaj I found myself crying, mourning about old feelings of abandonment. In the afternoon Satya brought tears to my eyes when I realized she would accept me completely as the human being that I am at this moment. The roller coaster of experiences and emotions give me the feeling that I am in a washing machine.