A powerful meeting in Hanoi

Roof terrace dinner with Nikki and Bela

The fan is cooling me. Kind of. I am shirtless, sweaty and surrounded by backpackers. I am on on the 5th floor of the Hanoi Backpackers Hostel, the communal space with internet access, a pool table and couches with young, sweaty kids reading books, staring in their phones or preparing their bags as they are heading off to their next destination. I have a bag of lychees within reach.

I feel quite emotional, stirred up. As if I can start crying any minute. These are the times that I want to write because I know I have a chance to dig up something essential. I can feel the knot and I know I can untie it. And I am not too afraid of crying in public. But a little bit more peace and quiet around me would be helpful. So I want to write and I do not.

A painful ride. And an amazing ride.

Mountain Sickness. Again

As I said I decided to not leave the bus in Ica but to keep heading for Cuzco. I thought it would take me 15 hours and that I had covered 4-5 hours at the moment of deciding, leaving me another 10 hours in the bus. Piece of cake for this world traveler, especially because the buses are luxurious and have wifi. I mean: 2 hours of Facebook and 8 hours of sleep? Perfect! Sounds like weekend! What I didn’t know was that the ride from Lima to Cuzco is not 15 but 21 hours. What I also did not immediately realize is that Cuzco is at 3400 meters. Sleeping at altitude higher than 2500 meters gives the risk of AMS (Acute Mountain Sickness) and I seem to be sensitive to that. Not to mention all the winding it takes before one has finally reached a destination that high.

Surely I developed a headache around 10 o’clock in the morning. After my adventure in Ladakh I know what this means: my brains are starting to swell. It hurts like hell. On top of that I am getting nauseous and dizzy. Meanwhile the bus keeps climbing and climbing and we have hours more to go. I hate myself for making the decision to go to Cuzco.

Not too lazy

Quilotao early morning

I am practicing the ‘thoughts are things’ concept as explained in books like The Secret. I resented that book/ movie/ whatever it was but I really want to be financially successful the coming months. So for the first time in my life I have put an amount in my head (or actually two amounts, one for New York and one for Hong Kong) and I repeat it a couple of times per day. When I walked randomly into the local cathedral I even prayed for that wish to come true. Sometimes I feel fear of failure coming up and then I hope that this did not contaminate my intentions. Fingers crossed and work hard. I did promise God that I will do good things with the money and will serve my clients and participants to the best of my abilities.

About psycho bitches from hell


There is nothing outside of us. We don’t posses only a certain amount of human features, we all posses all of them. But are expected to cultivate some and suppress others. We are not supposed to express the complete spectrum of our humanity. So we create a survival mechanism that serves us best: our identity or our ego. With this mechanism we try to control our lives as good as we can. We hide vulnerability, anger, fear, desire and many other aspects according to our individual personality structure. We are all looking for love, security and approval. As men we can choose to blatantly pursue power and money to hopefully make us feel safe and loved. Most women don’t have that option.

Wishing you a happy end of the era of ego, fear and greed!

From Caterpillar to butterfly

Imagine people all over the world literally waking up to a new paradigm. In the morning they open their eyes and they realize that the world is the same only they see it differently. Instead of threats they see beauty, instead of greed they feel a desire to share, instead of a need for validation they feel moved to serve others. And this would happen to people all over the planet, from shoe shiners in Delhi to entrepreneurs in Hong Kong, tribesmen in Ghane and housewives in Philadelphia. It would happen to Vladimir Putin, Robert Mugabe, Mitt Romney and the Pope. It would happen to skinheads, inmates, criminals and prostitutes. Media from all over the world would be busy reporting cases of spiritual transformation. Former enemies would enter in constructive dialogue and come up with compassionate and selfless solutions faster than television could cover.

Y’all stole my heart

Ernst, Sam & Gretchen

I feel that I want this post to be about Sam, Gretchen and Ernst again. Yesterday I felt shaky, sad and vulnerable. I was afraid of leaving. I have had to let go of beautiful people before on this trip but for some reason this time was harder for me. I felt afraid of abandoning them, to leave them behind in such a raw and vulnerable place. Also I grew attached to them and fell in love with them as family. I will really miss them.

To be part of a family during the process of grieving the loss of a little boy might sound difficult or undesirable to some. But I feel it was an honor. As I sit here in the train, my clothes feeling sticky from the heat, I feel gratitude, love and spaciousness.

Last night Gretchen, Ernst and I sat around the fire, spending our last hours together. At some moment during the night Ernst broke down crying, as happened to all of us several times per day. He said: “I feel so full with love for my son. I feel so much love that my heart is overflowing. Tears might come out of my eyes but I feel only love”

The little healer


I arrived on Sunday. Ernst and Gretchen had spent some time together on Maui and had come back that morning. The next day would be Ernst’s first day of going back to work. Everybody knew it would be a raw week. I came with an intention of just being available. I had no idea if I would be able to offer something. I didn’t want to be an intruder. It is kind of a big deal to take a guest in your house during the first days of ‘normal life’ after such a loss. At the same time I think we all had a sense of destiny: our paths crossed at this particular point in time and we are letting it happen. Maybe, just maybe there is something I can contribute around consciously choosing a healing path.

In the oven

Joshua Tree

Everybody wants to be a beautiful, amazing and inspiring human being, nobody wants to burn. When we find ourselves in the oven and have no choice we clench our eyes and fists and tighten our muscles, preparing for the worst and hoping it will pass. But maybe we can try to trust that the Universe is not against us and open our eyes and listen. I know it is close to impossible to see light in our deepest despair and it is counter-intuitive to relax in the midst of pain. But try to find the even the tiniest bit of light and breathe into that. This light will lead us to forgiveness. And that forgiveness will open us up to our humanity like nothing else.

May The Force be with you

Sam van Eeghen

Yesterday Ernst and his wife Gretchen buried their baby boy and tomorrow Bas will make Karin his wife. Both events touch me deeply, they touch both sides of my deep wish to have a family. I really don’t know what to say. Our lives are so precious and so unpredictable. And difficult. It is so easy to see that there is something sacred about two people expressing their love and commitment to each other in God’s house. And it is easy to see that a baby is a result of passion and an expression of pure, innocent love, and that his coming into existence is both mysterious and sacred. I even know that lives are to be lived fully and that a full life doesn’t have to be a long life. Sam did a perfect job. But I still would have wished Sam to stay with us longer.

Free your mind from Illuminati (and yourself)

Rainbow Beach National Park

A friend of mine is worried about the Illuminati and the NWO (New World Order). I was not really aware of these things but I promised to look into it myself. I have only glanced at it. What I understand there is an elite of super rich and powerful families who strive to control humanity and all it’s resources. People who spend a lot of time researching this stuff find lots of evidence and symbols everywhere.

His question was: “what do I think about this?” I don’t know if the Illuminati are real and if they really have a plan to kill a large part of the global population. But I do know that we all have a dark side so we can safely say that people in power have that side too. I don’t think Illuminati are the problem, I think ego is the problem. Or more specifically: the part of us that is filled with greed, obsessed with survival at any costs, prepared to kill, cheat or lie and terrified of dying. Give a couple of those egos access to billions of dollars and they will come up with pretty scary schemes to consolidate their positions, preferably forever.