My Ego Pissed Somebody Off (And That’s Ok)

Big Ego

“Good leadership involves responsibility to the welfare of the group, which means that some people will get angry at your actions or decisions. It’s inevitable, if you are honorable. Trying to get everybody to like you is a sign of mediocrity: you’ll avoid the tough decisions, you’ll avoid confronting the people who need to be confronted, and you’ll avoid offering differential rewards based on differential performance because some people might get upset.”

When I read the article it resonated with me. If I don’t at least try to manifest what I feel needs manifesting I will definitely be criticized by my Inner Critic. And if I give myself wholeheartedly to what I feel is my purpose others will criticize me.

What makes me unique?

Atalwin in Lebanon by Gabriel Gersch

I don’t preach happiness. I don’t preach how and where to find an amazing life. I don’t believe that Nelson Mandela was blissed out with joy every day of his life. I don’t believe Mother Theresa shed tears of happiness every day. But they have lived exemplary lives and are an inspiration to billions. Why? They kept their hearts open and their backs straight. They never backed out of difficulties and they never gave up. I believe that the world needs men and women who have the courage to go on difficult missions. I feel that taking on such missions is wholesome to our souls. We must find our calling and not our ‘dream career’ or ‘dream job’.

Ready for transformation?


Apparently I am carb intolerant. I knew that a ‘low carb diet’ was good for me but it seems to be going in the direction of a ‘no carb diet’. That will be just eggs, meat, fish, nuts, seeds and veggies for me. No pasta, no bread, no sugar, not even a bit of brown rice. Look, I love my buddies at Evolve and I really respect the vast knowledge of the human body of the founders Mike and Sander. But I hate the casualness with which they squeeze in my back, look at each other and say ‘yup, carb intolerant’. ‘With your body type you can’t eat any carbs for nine months. That way you can completely wean of carbs and then perhaps slowly reintroduce them into your diet.’ What? Nine months! That feels like receiving a prison sentence! It is not that I am such a sweet tooth but it requires a lot of discipline. And I just love breaking rules.

Feeling famous

Almost Famous

I feel so famous today. Well not famous but almost famous. Ok, not almost famous but apparently potentially famous. In this universe I am not (yet) but in the parallel universe I might very well be famous already. This of course is enough for my ego to inflate a bit. Not too much but just enough.

I had a meeting with a representative of a talent agency and they might be interested in publishing my unwritten book because I am considered an interesting package with [insert marketing term I forgot] potential with [insert more marketing speak] and charisma and a good story.

“We Steal Secrets” – How The Shadows Of Julian Assange & Bradley Manning Change The World

We Steal Secrets

Bradley Manning is a brilliant intelligence analyst in Iraq. He is also an utterly lonely, isolated and misunderstood human being. Not only is he lonely in the army or in the outpost in Iraq where he is stationed, he is lonely inside himself. He doesn’t have a sense of his true identity; he feels he is living in the wrong body.

Manning uploaded hundreds of thousands of files onto a CD labelled ‘Lady Gaga’. In one particularly gleeful digital sequence, soundwaves of Lady Gaga’s voice transform into lines of code and then into text from secret documents.

These thousands of glowing secrets are a fuse that ignited the Arab Spring, pushed Iceland’s banking system to collapse and put American diplomacy on the backfoot around the world.

The problem with servants

Down town Hong Kong

Recently I moved houses again. From crashing the couch on the 16th floor of a high building filled with tiny apartments in the heart of Hong Kong I am now in the guest room of an incredibly luxurious house with a swimming pool, a gym and a maid, all to myself. The owners, friends of mine, are on a short holiday and I get to house sit.

Last Friday my previous host came back from work sick. It was a bummer because I was looking forward to go out with him. I had spent the whole week in his apartment while he was working in the factory of his employer in China and I felt it would be nice if we could spend time together. It did not go that way. On Saturday I made soup and we watched a documentary (a very good one, by the way: The Interrupters. About former gang members who prevent violence to happen). Yesterday I fell ill myself. I was cold and sweaty with a head ache and a sore body. I spend about 10-11 hours in bed and I am still not 100% physically. So I am not having my best day but I still feel I should write something.

Being real matters


I have made it into a sport and a way of life to be continuously aware of my feelings and thoughts. I still don’t feel fully at ease with being me. One of the things I am aware of is how I alternate between feeling useful and useless every day. But I feel a lot more useful then before. Ha, yes! Now that I think of it: my experience of feeling useful is growing. Now that I think of it I can’t remember a time that I felt more useful then now. Generally speaking that is, I might have days in the past where I felt more useful then today.

This is amazing. It rarely happens that a post takes such an uplifting turn so soon.

About psycho bitches from hell


There is nothing outside of us. We don’t posses only a certain amount of human features, we all posses all of them. But are expected to cultivate some and suppress others. We are not supposed to express the complete spectrum of our humanity. So we create a survival mechanism that serves us best: our identity or our ego. With this mechanism we try to control our lives as good as we can. We hide vulnerability, anger, fear, desire and many other aspects according to our individual personality structure. We are all looking for love, security and approval. As men we can choose to blatantly pursue power and money to hopefully make us feel safe and loved. Most women don’t have that option.

Don’t take yourself so fucking seriously

Elephant baby

How different do I feel from this morning. How does our interior experience change and flow from moment to moment. I felt so stuck, lonely and unaccepting of what was this morning and it has all dissolved. Things that were experienced as fears and obstacles this morning have now changed into answers and facts. What was a a big problem before was not a problem anymore a couple of hours later.

Sometimes I get tired of the ego in general and my own ego specifically. But sometimes it is funny too. And the joy comes often after I have blown something out of proportion first and having worked through it. Then I gain a new perspective and it looks and feels rather light, amusing and endearing.

The next level

From Hunder to Diskit

I have decided to try to spend some time meditating in a monastery. The possibilities for trekking are limited and I have been contemplating what to do. The guys that I have been accompanying the last days will move on to other places. I could do the same and leave Ladakh to find nature somewhere else. Or I could stay and give up the wish for trekking and look for a place that facilitates deepening. I will do the latter. Hopefully I am fortunate enough to fall with my nose in the butter and will I meet a beautiful teacher: a warrior that I can write about.

It is a difficult decision. Ladakh I too beautiful to spent just 3 days walking. I wish I could stay here for 6 months. But this is not the case. I choose for the meditation because I feel I have a chance to open up part of my subconscious I haven’t opened before. Also, I feel ready. And I would like to arrive in Hong Kong well prepared as I have the feeling that there will be a lot of work to do.