Tomorrow I will take my first bus in a – I assume – long line of buses. I want to travel from Colombia to Argentina by bus. I am going through all the motions that I know so well. I feel fear of the unknown, I feel fear of failure, I fear the language barrier, I fear to be late, I fear to have my luggage stolen (part of failure), I fear to be bored and I fear to miss out on stuff because I didn’t plan anything. Also I am just afraid of leaving my Colombian apartment were life is safe, predictable and entertaining enough. I have grown attached to the guys that live here and the couch where I sleep.
I have made it into a sport and a way of life to be continuously aware of my feelings and thoughts. I still don’t feel fully at ease with being me. One of the things I am aware of is how I alternate between feeling useful and useless every day. But I feel a lot more useful then before. Ha, yes! Now that I think of it: my experience of feeling useful is growing. Now that I think of it I can’t remember a time that I felt more useful then now. Generally speaking that is, I might have days in the past where I felt more useful then today.
This is amazing. It rarely happens that a post takes such an uplifting turn so soon.
There is nothing outside of us. We don’t posses only a certain amount of human features, we all posses all of them. But are expected to cultivate some and suppress others. We are not supposed to express the complete spectrum of our humanity. So we create a survival mechanism that serves us best: our identity or our ego. With this mechanism we try to control our lives as good as we can. We hide vulnerability, anger, fear, desire and many other aspects according to our individual personality structure. We are all looking for love, security and approval. As men we can choose to blatantly pursue power and money to hopefully make us feel safe and loved. Most women don’t have that option.
Something remarkable just happened. Well, remarkable might not be the right word. But I am intrigued. I just boarded onto the plane to Pasto. I arrived in Colombia last night after a flight from LA to New York and from NY to Bogota. I am in Colombia to participate in a shamanic retreat. Today the group is slowly getting acquainted to each other. One of my fellow participants seems to be a nice guy who does something similar to me. He flies all over the place, giving seminars and courses on leadership and stuff. He has written a book about how to apply Buddhist teachings in business that is currently a best seller in his home country. So you could say that he has accomplished a couple of things that I would like to accomplish in the near future.
I woke up at 05.30 in Rainbow Beach and started my day with naked body surfing before I would go to a place where wild dolphins would come in the morning. The beach was pretty much deserted but there was a couple who parked their 4×4 on the sand and was fishing in the early morning. I walked a few hundred meters away from them although our initial distance was more than 50 meters.
Of course it is kind of strange that I want to protect them from my nakedness and myself from their possible judgment. It is not that I am bothering somebody so early in the morning but of course the real question is ‘why we are so afraid of nakedness?’ When I made the decision to go skinny-dipping it was because I assumed I would be all alone. There would be nobody watching. Not only did I need specific circumstances to be naked (remote beach, early morning, alone) but when I realized the circumstances were ‘right’ I still needed to gather some courage.
A friend of mine is worried about the Illuminati and the NWO (New World Order). I was not really aware of these things but I promised to look into it myself. I have only glanced at it. What I understand there is an elite of super rich and powerful families who strive to control humanity and all it’s resources. People who spend a lot of time researching this stuff find lots of evidence and symbols everywhere.
His question was: “what do I think about this?” I don’t know if the Illuminati are real and if they really have a plan to kill a large part of the global population. But I do know that we all have a dark side so we can safely say that people in power have that side too. I don’t think Illuminati are the problem, I think ego is the problem. Or more specifically: the part of us that is filled with greed, obsessed with survival at any costs, prepared to kill, cheat or lie and terrified of dying. Give a couple of those egos access to billions of dollars and they will come up with pretty scary schemes to consolidate their positions, preferably forever.
This path is making me desperate. I have a confession to make: every morning I have to fight myself into the day. I always wake up with a lump in my stomach and I always have to make an effort to turn it around. The vast majority of the days I manage to make my day into a good day but it is never without effort. Another confession: the spiritual path also comes with uncomfortable and weird symptoms. Right now there are two chakras hurting, one of them the root chakra. It feels literally as if I have been kicked in the balls. The other one feels as having been hit in the stomach. Nice huh?
Let me see. Is there more I have to say about death and dying? This is what comes up now: I really believe we don’t have to fear death. But I do, just like all the other humans (a very small number of enlightened beings excluded perhaps). Our fear of death translates into all the other fears we experience. Because we are afraid to die we are afraid of change. We cherish a naïve belief that if we just make sure that every thing stays the same death won’t come. In a way quite innocent: we are still the child that thinks he becomes invisible if he puts his hands before his eyes.
We know that many of our fears are so-called irrational. This is if we acknowledge them. But since we also have a fear of acknowledging our fears we keep many fears hidden from ourselves. Basically, we are all cowards. We don’t have the courage to admit that we are afraid. So we blame circumstances, diverting the attention away from fear.
The experience was overwhelming, humbling and healing. There was so much unconditional love, sensuality and radiant beauty, it was too much to take in. I can only speak from a male perspective but I have heard from the women they were happy to see us too.
When I say it was too much to take in, I mean it was too much too take in for the ego. The ego has a limit. When we receive a lot of love there comes a point where disbelief enters. We are used to a limited amount of conditional love. We start thinking that it can’t be true or that it can’t be real. In my case feelings like ‘I don’t deserve this’ and ‘this is not really for me, it is for the other men, not for me’. The ego is an inferiority complex and I could see its battle to hold on to these feelings and beliefs. But it had no chance against 14 Goddesses; it had to surrender.
The plan is to train two groups of young Iraqi’s. There will be 20 participants per group. We will train each group for 5 days.
The challenge is so big that it overwhelms me. I have no clue how to work with people who are separated from me by language, tradition and religion. I have no clue how to bring them together, how to be able to hear them and how to give them the feeling they are heard. But I will try and they will notice that I am trying and every centimeter of terrain that we cover is gain.
For a moment I felt completely vulnerable and surrendered to destiny. I messaged a friend and I broke down. I didn’t feel received so I fell deeper. And then I worked myself through. I should not seek for comfort, support or approval outside myself. I am alone but I am not.