This morning I did a session with Gretchen, the mom of Sam; the baby boy that left us so soon. And sometimes when I work with people something magical happens. This time was certainly one of the most magical experiences I have had this year, perhaps even in my life.
What happened that it seemed that we connected with Sam’s energy. And I say ‘seemed’ because it still sounds weird to me when I say these things out loud. How can I connect with the energy of a little boy that is not with us any more? But deep down I totally trust my experience. Even though my rational mind can’t understand it and wants to tell me it is impossible I have no doubt in my heart.read entire post »
I arrived on Sunday. Ernst and Gretchen had spent some time together on Maui and had come back that morning. The next day would be Ernst’s first day of going back to work. Everybody knew it would be a raw week. I came with an intention of just being available. I had no idea if I would be able to offer something. I didn’t want to be an intruder. It is kind of a big deal to take a guest in your house during the first days of ‘normal life’ after such a loss. At the same time I think we all had a sense of destiny: our paths crossed at this particular point in time and we are letting it happen. Maybe, just maybe there is something I can contribute around consciously choosing a healing path.
As I just typed the title above this post I remember that I have written something about ‘the truth’ a little while ago. It is funny because I can’t remember what I wrote and am kind of tempted to look what I said. But I am also curious what will come out of me this time if I allow myself to be spontaneous. Immediately I feel 2 fears coming up: the fear to repeat myself and the fear to contradict myself. If I repeat myself I am boring and if I contradict myself I am unreliable. That is what I fear you will think of me. And to make it worse: I think you will read this and after having a negative experience you will go out and talk about it to other people. “Have you read what Atalwin said today? Jeez, isn’t that guy totally boring? No wonder he has no girlfriend”.
Everybody wants to be a beautiful, amazing and inspiring human being, nobody wants to burn. When we find ourselves in the oven and have no choice we clench our eyes and fists and tighten our muscles, preparing for the worst and hoping it will pass. But maybe we can try to trust that the Universe is not against us and open our eyes and listen. I know it is close to impossible to see light in our deepest despair and it is counter-intuitive to relax in the midst of pain. But try to find the even the tiniest bit of light and breathe into that. This light will lead us to forgiveness. And that forgiveness will open us up to our humanity like nothing else.
In my van I was listening to the playlist my friend Ralph has sent me. Marcel’s list was completely different. Marcel and Ralph are both good friends of mine. It is beautiful to listen to their playlists and it is beautiful to notice the difference in character the selection shows. In Ralph’s selection the lyrics are very profound. One of the artists is Jason Schulman and one of his songs is called “The Long Journey Home”. The first line is “the long journey home has started”. I realized this was true. By traveling to the furthest country I could go and in that country going as far as I could and then turning around means that the long journey home has started.
I turned around 2 days ago. I made it to Townsville (where the picture is taken before I went skinny dipping in the morning). Where earlier this week I was telling myself that my purpose here in Australia couldn’t be just driving up North for 3000 kilometers and then turning around: I did exactly that. After my kind of disappointing tourist experience in Airlie Beach I decided to give myself permission to do what I thought I shouldn’t: just drive around from National Park to National Park to walk for a couple of hours. It is funny that the symbolic turning point coincided with the literal and physical turning point (do we still believe in coincidences?).
I had an insight today, and I hope it proves to be true and lasting. I was aware of the big difference between today and yesterday. Yesterday the doubt came up: what the hell am I doing in Australia? It culminated into a moment of feeling sad, lonely and lost. Today I was just happily cruising around. And what I realized was: I don’t regret the sadness of yesterday. I am not happy because it is over, I am happy because I became acquainted with it. It was really a kind of a light-bulb-flicking-on-in-my-head moment. 
I am not in the most romantic place imaginable: in a Subway sandwich shop with a view over a parking place (with lots of empty spots). I had a salad here and was able to put some electricity in my laptop and phone. With the help of Personal Hotspot (the tethering function on my iPhone) I have access to the internet. So that's nice. And there is a beautiful full moon in the sky. That is nice too.
I just uploaded to YouTube a couple of clips I recorded today. I have not much better to do than talk to myself during this part of my trip. Because I took the decision to not censor myself you can see me cry on one of the videos. 
This morning I went to collect my hippie campervan. As we are going through the procedures and they are trying to sell me all kinds of additional insurance we find out that I have to pay a bond of only $2550,- which is €2039,-. My credit card bounced and this is – most likely and hopefully – because it has a limit of €2000,- (I am not broke but the card could be broken, that would really suck). And the company regulations allowed for ZERO alternatives. Fucking annoying. I could not pay cash, nor via their website, not via PayPal and I certainly could not just give them $2499,39 (equals €2000,-) with my credit card and give them the other $50,61 out of my back pocket. Bureaucratic obstacles and stupid rigidity makes me want to smack people.
You are visiting the blog of Atalwin Pilon. Since January 2012 I am traveling around the world in search for goodness and meaning. I named my quest "the Quest for the 21 Century Warrior". On this blog I share my adventures, my struggles and my insights. It's all about being human. If that speaks to you and you want me to help you with finding more wisdom, courage and compassion in your life, work or company feel free to
Y’all stole my heart
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