At home I lie down with an ice pack on my head, contemplating what had happened. I feel humbled and humiliated by the big impact that just a bit of fear can have on the outcome of events. At a glance you could argue that only minor mistakes were made. We shot the video, even though I notified the gym a bit too late the resistance that came up was addressed politely, and I almost lifted a badass weight. But if you look deeper and when I become more honest with myself we can see that there are some deep-rooted patterns at work.
Look, I know it is hard to be honest. Real honesty threatens our identity and will make us lose our ‘face’ (which is a mask anyway). It is very, very scary to let go of the nice illusions we like to have of ourselves. Also, our truth is buried in our subconscious. For 32 years I was completely convinced I was cool, confident and did not have many fears. Well, it was a lie, I was just in complete denial of everything I believed I should not be. But being honest beats being a coward and a liar. Just know that if you don’t become very honest with yourself you will remain a coward and a liar forever. You could be a nice and funny coward and liar, you could be successful in business, give to charity and pay your taxes without complaining, you could even be or become my friend. But it won’t change the fact that you are a coward and a liar.
As I type this I realize I am looking for father figures, people to look up to. Goddammit, is the pain of growing up without a father still driving me? I thought I was beyond that. But my need is not met. Because what happens is that when I tell my story about what I’m doing here I am all of a sudden the inspiring dude.
This saddens me because it has many implications. It means that chances are small that I will ever feel what it means to have a father. It also means that if I’m amongst the bravest there will be never many people that will understand me and that humanity and our planet will keep suffering from our greed, fear and ignorance. But the most difficult part is that I have to let go of the idea that I’m inferior. Where would I be without something to strive for? What if there is no special species that is more human than me?
Be careful what you wish for. The Universe (or the Lord) works in mysterious ways. Just be yourself and the Universe will give you feedback. All these things seem to apply to this moment.
It has been almost two weeks since I posted my article about ignorance and the Jewish victims of the Holocaust that were deported from my house. A two week break from posting is quite long for me. It just feels like I don’t have anything meaningful to say after speaking about such an intense topic. But I’m also aware that it’s just me turning something fulfilling into an obstacle.
Day in day out we are protecting ourselves. We are protecting ourselves from disappointment, judgment, pain, fear, failure and embarrassment. Keeping on a distance all the feelings and experiences we don’t want is a busy job. Of course our desire for protection influences our behavior. We bend, duck, dive and hide, it’s all justified in our quest for safety. Since we are already busy protecting ourselves from all these negative influences we might as well start shielding ourselves from love, success, intimacy and harmony. Just thinking of the pain we will experience when these states of mind will leave us again is unbearable. Better not loved at all then loved and lost.
Twice today I came across some funny internet content that was about ‘being manly’. Since I don’t believe in coincidence I take this as an omen and assume the Universe is inviting me to write about masculinity. And of course I feel the need to balance the funny stuff and approach the topic dead seriously. But before I start doing that, let me give you the links that triggered this post. First one is “What manly dudes talk about” from www.tothechest.com, second is “How to be a man?” from Tales of Mere Existence, an excellent channel on YouTube, in my opinion.
I do feel that it’s an interesting and challenging topic. The bottom line is very simple. To be a man we have to be a mature version of a person with a Y chromosome. And everything we don’t develop doesn’t mature.
Everybody can make any holiday into a healing journey. More so, we can make every day into a day of healing. By tuning in to our hearts, letting come up what wants to come up and then act accordingly we heal all our wounds. 26 days in Bali changed my life, so if just one billion of us start doing this today we can change the future of our planet in three months. I totally believe that. Think about it.
I feel blessed for the journey we made. By making this journey to Bali I realize again that life is a journey. It’s not just my journey. We are here together, all of us on this planet. And we are all making our own journey simultaneously with all the others. Let’s just reflect on the possibilities we have how to make this journey awesome for everybody.
These are the first words that I type but you will probably not find them in the beginning of this post. I’m trying to fulfill the special request of my best buddy B. to not start with the introduction of – what he calls – a ‘problem’, followed by some sort of resolution and ends with a conclusion. It was the word ‘problem’ that triggered me to write this post. There is some judgment there, and dividing the world in right and wrong, good and bad, positive and negative is exactly how we create and maintain the illusion we are living in.
Let’s not beat around the bush: I think that relationships are very difficult and I don’t feel very successful at having or maintaining them. It has always been a struggle for me and still is. But I would like to design a workshop that gives some real tools and insights because I feel there is a great need for that. Ok, I need those tools and insights for myself and I need them right now, because my relationship is falling apart as we speak. But yesterday’s conversation gave me the opportunity to look at my own case from another perspective. And I would like to share what I have been learning although I don’t feel that I’ve got it completely yet. It’s still work in progress.