A friend of mine, I am sitting at his table right now, is a journalist who is sometimes interviewed on tv. He told me that if you are on national television there will be people who hate you just because of how you talk of what you wear. It frightens me. I once stirred up some controversy when another website reposted my work (with my permission). They had hundreds of thousands of visitors and to the audience I was just an anonymous writer. The hate and verbal violence was amazing.
Now and then I see something or think of something and sigh because it is out of my reach. And then I think ‘if I would win the lottery I would..’ followed by a quick suppression of the thought because I think it is childish to think in such a way. Also, I find it mildly depressing to realize that I am limited by lack of financial means.
But then there is the other side. And that is if am afraid to be open about these wishes and desires they will definitely not be heard or recognized. You can’t grow a tree if you are afraid to plant the seed.
Today I was in a gloomy mood. I felt uncomfortable, dissatisfied and somewhat disheartened. As I was just cooking up a meal, feeling burdened by the idea that I still have to write a post even though it is quite late already and I have to work tomorrow, I decided to write about things that cheer me up. Just random stuff that comes up in the next 15 minutes. Here we go:
Fuck. She made me cry again. Only this time in a crowded coffee shop. The relief I felt was amazing. It was very strange to feel limited in the expression of joy. I looked around me with my tear-filled eyes and realized that nobody else’s life had changed so drastically. For them the place was the same as 30 seconds ago, for me it felt totally different. My energy was rushing through my body and I want to jump around and celebrate. Being the whole place a round of coffee crossed my mind. Funny enough I also felt the urge to buy brownies or apple pie or something. It seemed the only way to give myself the feeling that I was celebrating.
Today I came from a meeting in Utrecht and on my way back I was contemplating my next step in life. I accidentally saw some notes I made during a meeting with a like-minded soul some time ago. The notes were about intention and visualization. I was watching the daylight turning into soft and warm tones as the time of sunset approached. A peaceful silence came over me. I felt the courage and inspiration coming bubbling up to verbalize the next step of my vision. Although I am not sure what it is I feel that there is something ready to come out.
If you are contemplating the exploration of human consciousness: be warned. Indeed, turning the light inwards opens up a fascinating and revealing scenery. But it is also a very complicated and slippery path and very confusing at times, I feel. You will enter a different game, and need to stop the game that you have been trained to play until now. To complicate it further: most others around you will just continue playing the old game and treat as if you are still playing that game too
I find it interesting that friendships are similar to romantic relationships but then without the romance. I have been deeply in love with a few women in my life and I thought it would never stop. Still, the relationships did not last. But I have friendships where the feeling does seem to last. The relationship is never boring and always interesting, and I never get tired of the jokes we have been making for more than 20 years.
I haven’t been writing in a while. It has to do with me trying to find a new tone or a new voice. I don’t know what that voice will be and I am not sure if I am ready to own that new voice. It all has to do with the new face that this website will receive, hopefully quite soon. The website will receive a new look and feel and will be more professional. The idea is that Basic Goodness will grow up.
So right now I am in transition. This is a difficult phase, I feel. I don’t know how it is for you but for it is a phase where you don’t identify with the old anymore but the new hasn’t arrived yet. What is inside the cocoon? Is it a caterpillar? I don’t think so. And it is not a butterfly either. I wonder if there is a word for it.