My friend contacted me yesterday to let me know he is getting married. I am very happy for him and very proud of his step. I am also sad because physically I will be very far away from him and his bride on the day of the wedding. And it saddens me that is not my turn. I feel like I have been put back to the end of the line again.
I cannot say that I am in a very dark place right now. There is a constant sadness about the loss of my relationship but it is beautiful too. Because when I am not confused by my concerns about finding the balance between giving her space and attention and am not trying to simultaneously cater to the needs of my journey and her path I am free to just love. I don’t have to worry if it is too much or too little because it is mine. This feels free. Sometimes it is a blissful love, sometimes it is a sad love, often I wish I could share my experiences with her and often I feel that I am on a good path. I don’t feel I should be somewhere else.