I feel like such a hacker. Again I am on my bed, protected by the mosquito net and with water and repellent close by. Only this time I am not naked. Why not, you ask. Because it is raining and thundering outside so it is not that ridiculously hot. Which is a good thing because the electricity – and thus the fan – is not working. It is pitch dark in our little resort (well, it is not a luxurious resort but I don’t know how you call a cheap place with cabins and stuff on a nice beach). I found my way to my cabin by using touch, quite a remarkable talent of us humans. Now I am behind my laptop. Not only does my AirBook make some light and does the keyboard have backlighting, also I have learned to use my iPhone as a WiFi spot. Somewhere in the dark, rainy rainforest, in a place where there is no electricity, is a guy online and working on his blog and that guy is me.
Today was the second day of my solo retreat. I didn’t sleep much and started the day quite early with a barefoot run in soft sand. After my shower I did 45 minutes meditation and later in the day two periods of 50 minutes on the beach and another 45 less formal meditation when I was waiting for my food. Oh and before dinner I swam about 1 km again. It was a nice day.
Two remarkable moments: a Holy Cow ate the book I wrote about yesterday today. I assume the cow attained Enlightenment instantaneously after completely devouring the collected encounters of one of the highest yogi’s with the saints and masters he met during his life. When I came back to my meditation cushion I found only the cover still intact. The other moment was when I opened my eyes because I felt something and there was an Indian man prostrating in front of me, touching my feet and wanting my blessing. This is described many times in “The Autobiography of a Yogi” as the way one respectfully approaches his guru. Let it be clear: I didn’t see this one coming.
If this were again the Universe teaching me, what would it mean? Why can’t I finish the book I was halfway reading? And why mistook the devote Hindu me for a guru/ teacher/ something else spiritual or holy? The symbolism is not very subtle. The easy answer would be: don’t look outside yourself for masters, warriors or teachers; you will find the wisdom inside yourself. The hungry cow tells you that don’t need the book and you don’t need to lose yourself in fascinating accounts of yogi’s doing incomprehensible stunts. The Hindu man tells you that he sees what you can’t see: a wise, devote and respectable man.
So maybe I should burn my passport and get myself a pair of ochre robes and a colored dot between my eyebrows? Or not? Maybe not yet. What I feel in my meditation is that I am barely scratching the surface with my little pinkie of what has literally the size of an ocean. Yes, the wisdom is within but that doesn’t mean it is fully realized.
Today I received a comment on my blog where somebody explained me that all my fears, struggles and doubts come from the same place: Ego. To be spiritual I should let go of my Ego. Although I don’t fully agree with the causal relation and the idea that being spiritual is impossible with an ego (I feel it is impossible to not ‘be spiritual’ since we all have a spirit or – better – are (expressions or manifestations of) Spirit), I agree that letting go of attachment is something desirable and worth practicing. But instead of pretending that I already have the answers or preach about the part where I know the way I operate on myself and reveal everything what I find. I find it more interesting to work on the edges then to claim a position and tell others what they should do: instead of telling other people to look inward I look inward myself. For business purposes it would be better if I did claim to be the guy with the quick fix; I would have more clients and visitors if I gave easy answers. But I don’t want to betray my soul. By identifying, acknowledging and revealing I can let go of what was hidden inside me. In some way this is teaching, in some way it is not.
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