Buenos Aires, Provincia de Buenos Aires, Argentina.
Man, my life is strange. My life is boring: I only sit behind my laptop. My life is stressful: things don’t go as I would like them to go. My life is humbling: I did not have a bed the last two nights. My life depends on others: I don’t know yet where to sleep for a good part of my NYC trip. My life is exciting: I have magical encounters with gorgeous women. My life is appreciated: I receive beautiful compliments and touching support. My life causes resistance: I receive abuse and harsh judgment on the internet.
I sometimes wonder if I will be able to keep this up for the rest of my life. It seems that my website has become a relatively save space but in other parts of cyber space there are a lot of people (or just enough) who like to make me feel ‘wrong’ before I have finished my sentence. Of course they have a right to their opinion but I notice it has an impact on me. It is ironic: I have spent more than 2 years practicing ruthless and unconditional honesty on this site and the very moment my writing is picked up elsewhere the first thing that happens is that I am made suspicious. ‘Liar’, ‘fraud’, ‘gives awakening a bad name’, ‘narcissist’, ‘don’t post stuff of this guy anymore’ are some of the qualifications and recommendations I have read recently.
I find it hard to not let it affect me. I know why not to take things personally. People project their own version of reality on the world, colored by heir personal history. When I become part of that world I become receiver of their views. It is very interesting to see what people project because they are revealing themselves that way. Somebody who judges me had been judged himself or herself and has learned to divide the world in black and white. When somebody reads something I say as ‘patronizing’ and judges me harshly I can be quite sure the other person has suffered from painful patronizing in his history. For this reason it is very important to learn to listen to our own sensations carefully: the pain that others can make us feel with their words is the pain they are unable to express. Now this is already easier said than done but when the judgment comes as an anonymous wave from several people simultaneously I question myself. Am I overlooking something? Is this the Universe giving me feedback? What is my lesson? And I must confess: it is disheartening. I can imagine people choosing not to expose themselves to that kind of negativity. I can even imagine myself to chose to not expose myself any longer to that kind of negativity.
But I am not ready yet. I don’t want to give in nor give up. Haha, just typing this gives me a rush of energy. Seems that my system likes it a lot better when I don’t give up.
So I am discovering something interesting. Nothing new but still interesting to see it manifest right in front of me: what others say influences how we feel and how we act. And what we say to ourselves influences us in the same way. And to me it seems that when we give ourselves the ‘right’ answer we come alive. (And it happens again! I feel the response of my body in the form of a wave of pleasant energy. I am not kidding you).
This means I can ask myself all my questions and just listen to what the energy tells me. Let’s give it a try:
Should I go to New York? Yes.
Should I pursue the plan of giving workshops? Yes.
Should I hold on to the idea of doing men and women separately? Yes. For now yes.
Do I fear failure? Yes
Would it be a bad thing if I ‘failed’? No
Is there such thing as ‘failure’? No
Do I have a message for myself? Yes
Let’s see what it is:
“Atalwin, my friend, my brother, dear one, warrior, do not give up. The journey is about exposing yourself to life, not about avoiding challenges and obstacles. Stay appreciative of the little things when the going gets tough. That the lotus flower is surrounded by mud does not make it less beautiful or less amazing. Do not attach to the short-term outcome of your endeavors. There is a bigger plan that you don’t see yet. The obstacles are there for you to polish you. There will come a point that you experience an obstacle no longer as an obstacle. Then you will understand. You will be able to communicate your understanding. That will be beneficial to others. Have trust, have faith. You are on a good path.”
Ok, thank you Higher Self, Consciousness, Buddha Nature or whoever you are. But it is not a really easy message, now is it? Can’t you just guide me to a comfortable bed with a beautiful woman in it and financial stability? Haven’t I done enough polishing by now? And will that tipping point you are talking about really come? Could you give me the date so I can put it in my agenda?
And then we come back to the insight of today: where is the energy? What brings me to life? The first message pushes me forward, the second is just me whining about wanting to feel safe and secure. And then I must admit to myself that I feel I must take the difficult road. So let’s take a deep breathe and surrender once again to the calling.
PS: Because I did not leave the hostel I don’t have a picture of Buenos Aires to show. So I will post the picture that caused somebody to call me a narcissist. It is a good memory from my trip to Bali with my buddy Mike who taught me that it is good for people to meditate under waterfalls. Something with energy. The water was very cold and was hurting my bald head badly and I did not attain enlightenment that day but it was still a great day.
PSII: The information about the upcoming workshops in NYC will stay in the front page for a while. You can help me a lot of you share the information with your friends from NYC. Please click here (workshop for guys) and here (workshop for women).